“Yur lites R stupid”

If you are reading this magazine then I think it’s safe to assume that you’re “one of those people” that goes a little bit overboard when it comes to holiday decorating. Either that or you’re sitting in the waiting room of the dentist with the most awesome Christmas light display in town. In any case, welcome to the premiere issue of PlanetChristmas magazine.

Between the covers of this magazine you’ll find all sorts of tips, tricks and techniques that will help transform your otherwise “plain vanilla” holiday display into a work of art using little more than a few pieces of scrap PVC, the cork from a wine bottle, some spray paint and a roll of duct tape. It’s a great hobby that anyone can engage in regardless of their budget or talent. It’s also a fun thing to do with the whole family.

While decorating might sound like a wonderful thing, what it doesn’t tell you is something that those of us that have been doing this for a while all know: There is a dark side to extreme decorating. Whether it’s a furtive glare from a neighbor when they see you unloading a car full of blowmolds just bought at a garage sale in March, a “When are you going put all that Christmas stuff away?” whine from your spouse (in July), or a rock thrown through your picture window on Christmas Eve with a note tied to it that reads “Yur lites R stupid”— we’ve all been there.

It is my intent to use this column to address some of these issues in a proactive attempt to alleviate any potential disappointment many newcomers to the hobby experience when they realize that not everyone thinks that the perfect display is 150,000 flashing lights synchronized to Trans Siberian Orchestra’s “Wizards in Winter”.

So if you have any questions or concerns about anything related to your holiday display, just send them to me and I’ll address them right here! Grinch@PlanetChristmas.com

For this first edition, I’ve got a few questions here that were sent in by some friends and family just to get the ball rolling…

Q: Every Saturday I like to go around to the garage sales and pick up whatever Christmas decorations I can find. The problem is that when I get home in the afternoon my neighbor across the street gives me the evil eye. I know she doesn’t like my display and was wondering if there’s anything I can do about it. —Anon E. Moose

A: Dear Mr. Moose—To be honest, there are some people that just don’t… hey! Wait a minute! You just copied that question from the third paragraph! I’m not putting up with any shenanigans here so let’s move on to the next question…

Q: It’s almost Summer and there are still Christmas decorations all over the house. When are you going to put this stuff in the garage? —Your Wife

A: OK. So it’s going to be like that is it? Fine. If you people aren’t going to be serious then I’ll just have to…

* CRASH! *

Oh, great! Another rock just got thrown through the picture window. (That’s the third time this month!) And look… there’s a note attached to it. Let’s see what it says… “Your lights are depreciating the local real estate values. Please move. Love, Mom.”

Well, as you can clearly see, there are still some kinks to be worked out. Hopefully I’ll have it all fixed by the next issue.

From the Spring 2009 edition of PlanetChristmas Magazine

By Chuck Hutchings (aka: the Grinch)